Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Why You Shouldn't Marry a Bully

A bully is someone who can’t get what he/she wants through normal means. When you deny him/her  that power, he/she resorts to forceful means to get what he/she wants.

 Bullies try to get what they want by bullying you, by intimidating you, and by making you feel inferior to them. 

Here is how it works in love and marriage. One party in the relationship wants something – be it a new car, a new apartment or a new dishwasher, and he other party does not. As you might guess, all heck breaks loose!

The “bully” in the relationship must get what he/she wants. So instead of acting rationally (i.e., Do we have enough money to pay for this?), the bully resorts to name-calling (i.e., You are always keeping me from buying things!”), intimidation (“If you don’t let me buy this I am walking out of this relationship.”), or they resort to making you feel inferior (i.e., How can you be so stupid?”).

If you are like most people, you would rather “have peace.” So in the interest of maintaining harmony in your relationship, you fall prey to the bullying – you give him what he wants.

But here is the deal – this strategy never works! You give him what he wants and then he does it to you again! If you always succumb to his wishes. You will always lose. Letting them win is a bad idea.

Truth is, real loving relationships are not about you and me, they are about US! They are about WE.  “It takes two to Tango.” You cannot Tango by yourself. Until you learn this important lesson in your relationship, your relationship will be doomed to failure. Finding the courage to stand up to a bully is perhaps the only way to effectively stop the bullying.

So, how do you handle the bully in your loving relationship?

The answer in a nutshell is, never succumb to their wishes when they resort to bullying. Keep your composure. 
The simple truth is, bullies should never be allowed to win – even if they are your spouse. True loving relationships are about making important decisions together. Once you fall into the trap of intimidation and bullying, your relationship begins its dissent into the poverty of your relationship. Rarely does a relationship recover from this.

Be strong. Be brave. Never succumb to a bully, even if it is someone you love deeply, as to do so diminishes the value of your relationship, forever.

These are among the most important lessons of love and of life.

Source:  Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

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